Greatness or Bust

Filed to: Lifestyle

The last few weeks have been extremely hectic. Business which normally slows in the summer months has increased tremendously. I'm in mid prep and fall planning for my weekend show Next Nation, I agreed to host a few speaking engagements and preparing my mind for those commitments has been equally exhaustive (but I shan't complain), I'm working on a tremendous work project that could make 2019 a banner year and my consultative practice is steadily climbing. Add to that to co-hosting The Karen Hunter Show, the kids schedules are bananas especially Noah cause I have to constantly watch his movements, peers, social media engagement-(insert sigh), a husband with a tremendous work travel calendar, and helping me balance it all- my mama who has the nerve to have a life of her own... Sis is tired. As I type this entry, I have 110 text messages, 3 email sites to manage, the news is in the distance providing next level layer of anxiety, and then there's me- running scared from greatness cause it could mean more on the aforementioned list- look y'all, I got enough shit to manage.

I chose a word at the outset of 2018 that would stand as my word for the year. A word that I promised myself and one of my lifers, my accountability partner Jamie, to live up to the choice of that selected word and do everything necessary to exemplify the choice. It's been quite the challenge. As a matter of fact, I called Jamie yesterday afternoon crying about being overwhelmed.  In normal Jamie fashion, she talked me off the ledge, ministered promptly and we went back to our day. Thirty minutes later life hit her in the head and we were back on the phone, this time she was the one crying- and I propped her up- dusted her ass off and sent her back out to life, bandaged up and ready for the remaining challenges of the day. That's what lifers do.......adjust each other's crowns and tell nobody but the however many of y'all reading this entry....(my bad J Rock) But, anyway back to the word for 2018, I chose- courageous. 

I launched the blog on July 1st, 2018 and in addition to the heightened anxiety of being incredibly transparent in this space- I suffer with anxiety anyways so all of the aforementioned has almost tipped the cow. But, transparency feels best- at least for me and I'm always in search of an optimal existence so I push through the shit and find the courage to slay dragons and tell truths to the world and most importantly to myself however inconvenient and unpopular- living this life in truth is never comfortable but always timely. This past week was a series of inconvenient and timely happenings. Let me explain.

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My intended guests for this week's Next Nation Show on Sirius XM UrbanView Channel 126 at NOON (just in case you needed to know...shameless plug) are three people in the area of law, journalism and entertainment whom I profoundly respect. They've all been seated as guests before on the show but this time I combined the three of them to have a round table discussion (I love round tables) about what I'd envisioned us discussing- The New Black Renaissance.  I began the discussion contextualizing the first black Renaissance in this country- The Harlem Renaissance, but upon the first few minutes, it became real clear that there was a sub-agenda and so the conversation immediately took a sharp turn and within the first ten minutes- it felt that we'd become adversarial.

I'm not sure if Mercury was in Retrograde or whether the rain had just wet everybody's shoes that night (wet shoes sour my mood like phuck) but I'll be completely honest- I was unprepared for the bend of the road and had failed to negotiate the turn. At first I thought I was alone but by segment two- the only cis-gendered hetero normative brother in the room (If you're confused- that means straight- oh and, yes welcome to 2018) looked at me and whispered "what happened" and he's usually never at a loss for words. We couldn't dial back to the topic at hand-or should I say I couldn't control the direction of the discussion and, as much as I persisted to refocus the energy back to the beauty of this still untitled 2018 Black Renaissance discussion-we landed down a rabbit hole that ends square at the footsteps of heterosexism or heterosexual insensitivity. What is that you ask?

Heterosexism is a system of bias and attitudes that offer an air of superiority to heterosexual relationships vs. homosexual relationships. Heterosexism presumes that people are naturally  heterosexual and asserts same in dialogue, conversation, deed and action and upon acknowledgement of other forms of relationships, (i.e. same sex relationships) heterosexIST's  assert their beliefs and value systems aggressively, becoming discriminatory, presumptuous, insensitive and worse- avoidant, dismissive, callous and in some cases, aggressive and violent. What concerned me most in the midst of that discussion, is that neither I nor my hetero-normative, cis- dammit straight male guest appeared to be any of the aforementioned grouping but you couldn't tell that by the tone or the context of our discussion. We were definitely the respondent in this litigation and for the life of me I could not relate to the assertion that as a black straight, traditionally married, Christian woman that I can be biased against anyone's person or artform who doesn't represent similar views. Nonsense.... I mean, that's entirely impossible- "I have a gay step-daughter", for God's sake. Sigh, Yes- I said that out loud and for those of you who are slightly obtuse, I'm describing myself sarcastically.  I sounded JUST LIKE "wypipo" when they do their infamous- "I'm not racist, I have a black friend", bit. 

The period of The Harlem Renaissance that I tagged as an opening to the show and then the ensuing line of discussion I prepared, was as much as an homage to a time period of great migration, cultural expression and black diaspora as it was an entire omittance of the sub-culture of gay, lesbian and transgendered contributions that was replete with artistry and entertainment from the black queer. My review of the period and the way I initiated the discussion was revisionist and from my privileged positioning as host and producer of my show-I prepared that episode and instituted my privilege, however unwittingly. As I now think back and drill down on it further, to engage a discussion about art form, that would omit those contributions of our black queer brethren and sistren, reshaped the narrative- as was done a century ago.  To bring that same tunnel sight momentum into 2018, with all of the pervasive political, social and cultural inequity in our midst- and as a black woman with a platform in this time, to attempt to be that linear in my thinking- for brevity's sake- I fucked up.  And my queer panelist, just wasn't fucking having it. We were going to be forced to atone for minimizing the black gay experience and bequest our revisionist cultural  suppression during The Harlem Renaissance and I along with my other straight male guest, by the end of the episode- we just weren't there yet.

I walked away from that taping disoriented. I had an outline. I'd redirected and interjected. Changed paths and they returned to it. The train had derailed and here I was, no formatted "unaired" shows in the can- its the week of, and I've got a show I'm not entirely proud of. My ego kicked in and when I'm being led by my ego- (enter: hot, fucking, unstable mess). I was deep in my head..... I'm beginning to receive rave accolades about the content of my presentations. I've been working my ass off to research and resource a guest book with authentic and fresh perspective and viewpoints who can help my listenership get to their watershed moments and now this bullshit. My straight guest and I felt ambushed. My other two guests felt slighted by our commentary, but satisfied cause from their vantage point- calling heterosexuals to the carpet for our biases was a win on the board. It was a breakthrough. But, a breakthrough at my expense? Nah, son.... Mood as phuck... We weren't biased. We were socialized this way. We're black. Now there's a subculture within a subculture? Bullshit. We left. Some of us- in animus. None of which, I predicted, intended or felt good about. 

The longer I sat with my thoughts. The sillier I felt. I researched The Gay Harlem Renaissance and found a plethora of material, articles, literature and information. None of which I'd seen in my original research. Or had I? It turns out Alain Locke who'd I quoted and credited as the father of the Renaissance, was a black gay man with an affinity for his protégé Langston Hughes. Jesus. Y'all know when I read it the first time I associated kinship, familiarity, friendship- not love, lust, sameness, or relationship......... I wasn't processing the weight of the word choice and in the ambiguity of the author's words, I'd somehow missed the intent, but after being exposed and by changing ONE word in my word search- an entirely new viewpoint and context opened up within my specified genre. There was tons of additional information hiding from me in plain sight. Of course the most beautiful artistic period of our time included tons of contributions from gay, lesbian and transgendered artists.  I've read so much literature this past week about The Gay Harlem Renaissance to support the claim that I was lost in the privilege of heterosexism, that its honestly embarrassing. And, the courage today is to admit that fact and to admit that you will not hear that episode on the 7/22 airing of Next Nation.  I spent my formative years learning pieces of information about a number of historical genres, most of which was told from the space of Christian centered, cis-gendered, hetero normative, heterosexists who abuse their privilege in the telling of other people's stories. Sure, I knew this about white people's re-telling of history but I didn't believe that I could contribute equally to that suppression. Meanwhile, I'd pulled that show out of rotation because as much juice as there was from the fruit of that discussion- I just wasn't comfortable with being that kind of uncomfortable. Today, I tell you that I am going to air that discussion on my show very soon, but I need to first meet with the guests again and find a way for us facilitate the discussion in a way that is most impactful for the listenership and with the kind of marketing and promotion the episode truly deserves. That's enough courage for me today.       

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On 7/22/2018's episode of Next Nation- what will air is a wonderful discussion with my guest- actor, writer, producer, philanthropist and tech preneur Allen Maldonado. We talked about his childhood, losing his father to cancer after only meeting him and getting to know him briefly at the age of seven. We talked about his philanthropic work through his mentoring and summer camp that highlights art, film direction and writing. Allen is so funny as he describes his childhood roots and growing up in Compton and Rialto, California.

He's created an app for short filmmakers entitled Everybody Digital which gives rise to short film. He's raising capital for the brand and using his platform to expose a new and NEXT NATION (you see what I did there right) of content creators. I absolutely love the app and I think you will too. Download it on the App store or Google Play store- Everybody Digital.

During our discussion of his electrifying rise in entertainment, I asked him about how he stays motivated in his career. I interviewed him immediately following the Harlem Renaissance interview. It had been a hectic week already by Wednesday when we met, and I was feeling particularly down about the direction the week was heading. Allen came into that interview with no fanfare, no team of people, in a tank top and shorts and he was an absolute joy. Back to my questioning, and him staying motivated and managing all the ups and downs of the business, in his family and in his career......He smiled so brightly and looked me square in the eyes and said, Hey sis......Its Greatness or Bust.....Indeed my brother. Indeed.......He's dope...thank you Allen. Cheers to this brunch and cheers to Next Nation, Greatness or Bust!