Somedays You Win, Somedays You Learn

filed to: Legacy

I am in Baltimore this weekend solo without the family celebrating the birthday of a fascinating young woman I've become very fond of. We've done multiple business transactions together, so our communications were always professional, courteous and forthright and so in the course of doing business, we became friendly. I tend to become friendly with clients because the more I understand about their business models and personal lives- the better I can protect them from all areas of risk. Its part of the role but sometimes, an added benefit of my business is that in the evolution of a successful work relationship, ties can bind. This young woman just happens to be a dope serial multi-concept entrepreneur, that in the course of courting her to be a client of mine, I also became a client of hers.  She's taken every possible opportunity to make my life operate easier and more fluent and she has such a progressive mindset that she's a joy to encounter and so over the last couple years we've graduated into a great friendship.  

I've never had a problem making new friends. I'm an affable spirit who enjoys the company of good people. A myriad of people. Frequently. Often. Wash, rinse, repeat. I love talking for starters, and so in order to have new discussion points and hear new ideas and receive new data, it requires that I venture into territories and new minds that are unknown. I also no longer enjoy groupthink, (not that I ever did, I just may have been unaware that this was the case) homogenous habitats or like a ton of repetition (hence my aversion to leftovers)- but I'm also an active learner who thrives by endeavoring into new shared experiences. I know there's many ways to grow but for me I grow best when I'm constantly challenging the evolution of my normal environment.  This could also explain my intense desire and love for travel.

My mother has adapted to this part of my personality as an adult. She will tell me she can't remember all of my friends names, unless very close, but she can attribute them to experiences in my life and she is grateful for their love of me, even if she expresses that gratitude with reserve but she knows that I am loved by many and accommodates that part of me, even if it infringes on the time we share- because she loves me and respects my desire to grow into my best adult self. But, growing up as an only child, this personality trait drove my mother insane- because she couldn't gauge the degree by which I could create new relationships and because she couldn't gauge it, she also couldn't control it. She would attempt to redirect my focus from being too eager for new friends. She  always thought I gave too much, too soon and to too many and was fearful that someone may take advantage of me because of my giving spirit. (Sidebar- Mindless Fun Fact: My mother loves leftovers. She can eat the same food, the same way, for far longer than is humanly appropriate and thus explains why we experience the world in two very different ways).  I don't blame my mother for this line of thinking, especially when I was an adolescent. She was right to a degree- I did give too much, too soon and to too many and so there were times when as a result, I did get hurt. But it was in those instances of profound pain, that the experience I garnered was well worth the time, the money and the anguish that took place because- it provided wisdom.

Now, to be fair, I was a stone cold nut growing up and so being my parent left my mother with a full schedule of managing crazy (we will get into that at some point but not on this post, baby steps beloveds- baby steps). I was always attempting something. Always. There was the time that I was going to make some summer money braiding hair but I never really could braid. (Listen beloveds, I've always been an entrepreneur in waiting)... Now, it bears mention to note that even at the age of 41.5 - I can only plait or box braid and with that- I can only under braid, I haven't successfully ever done an over braid, have never been able to get a cornrow to lay on a scalp and so to this day, I pay the braid whisperer Cindy good money to braid my daughter's hair, so this was never a skill I intended to develop to mastery.

My first client lived in the projects not too far from my home in Orange, NJ. She was the cousin of another casual friend and on occasion we played together in the park nearby my home. When I told her I was braiding hair for the summer to make some ends, she made an appointment. The day of the appointment, she needed a ride to my house (insert sigh and side eye) but she was a paying client and she was my new friend. In that order. I begged my mother pick this heifer up, brought her to my house, my mother fed her lunch and when her hair was done, I had my mother take her home. When the braids were finished, (and let's be real- they weren't perfect but from where home girl started-trust me on this one y'all-I did no harm) She announced that her mother wasn't going to be able to pay me until the following day. My mother huffed, cussed under her breath, rolled her eyes and probably wanted to make her walk back to the hood, but we drove her home- and when she was out of the car- my mother looked me square in the eye and said- "You won't ever see that friend of yours again and I'm certain she won't pay you your money." She was right. She never answered her phone when I called, she never paid me and I saw her again when I was 25 years old in a bar.

I learned that day although my mother tried to shield me from that lesson that whether or not it was a friend, client or other- in business, you don't deliver negotiated goods without securing payment. And, while my mother has been right too many times to adequately note and the stories are endless of the many things I've done for the sake of friendship- (there was the time at my sleepover that I gave the upstairs neighbor's daughter my new underwear. Listen the little girl's underwear said Wednesday and it was Saturday- I counted the days of the week on my hand and panicked cause she was about to sleep in my bed. Yikes!!!! Shirls was pissed because I gave away those new undies, but here I was trying to do some good in the world.... Sigh) I wouldn't change a thing because to change things, means to change who've I've become because of those hard knocks. So, against my mother's advisement to go pick that little girl up from her house, feed her, braid her hair for four hours and take her home and only ask for $15 dollars that I never received- that wasn't a day to win, it was a day to learn and life simply falls into those two categories. Some days you win, and some days you will learn and what a blessing to have learned that lesson from my friend -at age 12 when many don't learn that kind of lesson until well into their adulthood. To that lesson, I give thanks. It trained me to recognize bullshit many times, before bullshit even had a chance to open its mouth.

When I was younger I blamed my mother for being rigid-almost to a fault. I felt like her favorite word was no. I couldn't go skating with neighborhood friends, cause they were mostly boys, I couldn't go on the 8th grade trip cause there were boys going too, I couldn't go to sleep away camp cause we don't sleep away- my curfew was 10 when my friends curfews were 12 and that was a non-negotiable, I couldn't walk to the store for coconut cookies cause there were saltines and animal crackers in the house- just no, no, no, no... My mom like many people I know was socialized to believe that circles are best kept small and secret information is best kept to secret and self to avoid drama (I agree with that one) and time is best spent among your closest family and who needs a ton of friends? The socialization from her upbringing was reintroduced and reinforced on me and so in many instances we repeat our training even if its not a part of who we believe we are.  As a matter of good conscience, I have purposely taken every possible step to forgive BOTH of my parents for any childhood deficit that may have somehow restricted or bound my growth. The fact of the matter is - my mother in all her love was trying to protect me from harm and she was willing to go to great lengths to curate my experiences, my friendships and my exposure to a world that may somehow mistreat or abuse me. She wasn't wrong about any of that but as I learned through those experiences and as I now attempt to shield my own children- there are just some worldly events and happenings, some friends who will disappoint and deceive us, and some pain that can occur in the absence of or presence of our parents- that we just cannot prevent and that doesn't make us bad people or bad parents, it makes us human.

In this new season of my journey, I am spending time with a number of new people and they are constantly widening my net and challenging my ideals. It is sometimes uncomfortable, but I am in a season of thirst. I'm open to the universe for new ways to evolve and mostly because I know its time to, I'm against operating in holding patterns, so this is a welcoming part of my growth. This new friendship with this amazing young woman I started this entry with, produced another new friendship with another amazing young woman who will sit on my talk show, Next Nation 7/8/2018 at Noon on Sirius XM Urban View. That's the other thing about progressive mindsets. They don't endeavor to hold you back or down, they serve as accountability partners, and they are always willing to assist in your growth. This week's guest is Aseante Renee and she is a justice advocate, entrepreneur, communications director for Common Justice. Org and a filmmaker.

We were introduced for the premiere of her film series entitled Ever After: Stories of Violence, Accountability and Healing. We had a wonderful discussion about her work, about the narrative of victims and the accountability of offenders and the inefficiency by which our justice system handles it all.  In the midst of our discussion, we progressed into other areas of discussion about cycle breaking and destroying thought patterns that neither serve, protect or promote our best self. She challenged me and it changed a longstanding thought that I've had about a particularly popular network series. I'm so glad that she had a different viewpoint that she was willing and unafraid to share because she helped me to expand my own viewpoint.

I am a living witness that there's enough good people in the world to help you plug those pockets of despair in your life and just when you think you are not in the market for something new: new friends, new relationships, new opportunities and new experiences will find you and if you're available and willing- they can restore your faith in good and open your eyes to a world of tremendous possibility. So say thank you to the things, the people and the lessons that forge you forward. Say thank you to the days you win and to the days you learn. Mommy, I SAY THANK YOU for being willing to share me with the world even if it terrifies you what the world will do to me. Thank you for braving the unknown for my growth and thank you for thinking enough of my future to be willing to protect me from the lions, the tigers and the bears. I am in a season of learn.

S K A

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