Happy 43 to Me!

Today is my 43rd Birthday. 

I remember vividly being 22.  I packed my Uhaul to move back to NJ from Baltimore, MD. Felt defeated. A series of unfortunate happenings in 1999, led me back home to NJ. It was supposed to be my time. My year. Was just finishing my degree. Had big plans but real life was calling. 

2000, 4 days away from my 23rd birthday- I moved into a small hot ass apartment in Irvington, NJ. I hated that apt. It was a building full of sad people who missed their chance or maybe even worse, never knew they had one.... I thought I too- was becoming one of those people. My super lived under me. He beat his wife. Regularly. I could hear it on the nights It wasn’t my turn with my then boyfriend and so, unfortunately I had nowhere else to be.... I was always between drama at that point. Fresh out of one drama OR gearing up for my next one. I was spending more and more time at my moms, using her utilities- washing my clothes in the hopes I could keep them....My transvestite neighbor across the hole, I mean hall- stole my underwear every time I washed my clothes at my place. It. Was. A. Shit.Show. 

I got fired from my job for always calling out. I hated that company. They rewarded me by releasing me. I was bar-tending on the side. Some really great nights but I was struggling there too. From boyfriend to boyfriend. One tragic ending to the next. And then one day, I just decided I was tired. Of all my own drama. I was tired of being in crisis. 

I broke up with that dude. And the next one too. And decided no more dudes for a while. I needed a break. I had lost all sense, fighting, causing property damage. I didn’t even know me anymore... 

And then I read, In the Meantime and The Value in the Valley. I read them out of order. The Value in the Valley is all about the valley and the stages inside the valley. In the Meantime, is a graduation of sorts. A book that shows you how to elevate your relationships and your sense of being. I decided that day, I wanted and deserved more. 

I moved out of that horrible apartment. No I apologize, I found another place a friend owned- so I stopped paying my rent, gave him my rent twice and broke my lease and staged my exit. Right when my super started threatening me- (the building was too ghetto to have a leasing company- the super was the henchman. 🤦🏾‍♀️)  I moved.... My best friend and I moved in the middle of the early morning and broke half my shit trying to get me out of there. I broke my couch. She broke my glass dining room table in the parking lot. We laughed till we cried and I left all that broken up shit in the parking lot for my super to clean up. I’m sure his wife wore that anger. I pray she eventually ran for her life- I know I was running for mine. 

Everything turned around after I left that apt. I stopped dating for a full year. Started going back to church, I met with a recruiter and he found me a better job, I started saving, I started journaling and traveling and I started writing out my goals and doing affirmations. I devoted myself to the self help genre and brick by brick- I started pacing my way back. I met Jay, I made real life gains, planted roots, accepted my path, became a mom, got married, we bought a house. Still nothing has been easy, and I’m not sure why the word perfect exists.

Life is full of gray area- setbacks, challenges, losses and gains. But wherever you find yourself, your perspective is the key to your position. Whatever you believe about you is true. If you believe you can’t, you won’t. If you believe you can, you will. We ARE what we tell ourselves we are. 

I arrive at 43 still on the journey. Some days I’m Denzel in the Book of Eli and all I can do is fight blind and head west and then there’s other days, that I’m in Oz. I don’t believe in fairytales or perfect endings. I believe we get what we work for. My marriage didn’t miraculously get better. We work daily to be in healthy partnership. I didn’t wake up 30 pounds heavier. I stopped being vigilant about my health and any and every time I do that- I suffer. My kids, my businesses- the health and prosperity of all the aforementioned requires effort, time, sacrifice, dedication. There’s no magic pill or potion to happiness. You don’t get to sustained elevated plateaus in life without necessary self work. 

Today I celebrate my past commitment to the ME work and recommit myself dutifully to go forward more whole, more alive, chasing more life. 

My wish for y’all on MY birthday is that you become clairvoyant about your YOU work and be disciplined enough to believe you deserve that YOU investment. 

Happy Birthday to me! ♑️

Ashe.